Nex vents

  I can bet I am not the only one who asks themselves this question over and over again? I don't know whether the intensity of self-audit grows as we age? but lately I have found myself musing on this question,  I'm I a failure?  Is this what adulting is about? I'm I supposed to feel this lost? I'm I supposed to feel this desperate and to cling on to every shred of hope that I can muster?  I always ask myself this question because a blanket of doubt often covers me and sometimes overwhelms me. It's like  a dark cloud that forces me to keep looking back and wonder when and  where did I miss it? When and  where did I take the wrong turn? when and where did I lose my concept of self? when  and where did I stop dreaming ? if I ever started?  This auditing has made me unearth some deep truths about myself that I am not even sure I am ready to deal with. I recently sobbed like a baby, because of some truth that lay on me like a heavy wet blank...

I know it has been a while since I posted anything. Life happened and/or is happening. Of late though, I have been having this urge to just tell my stories. Interestingly, I get very specific stories highlighted in my memory to tell.  Do you know that week/ season between christmas day and New Year's? ..... this story is set in one of the years when I was single and living alone and it was that time of the year. I decide to go to town to do some shopping just for fun. I remember I was just buying comfort food and things that would pick-me-up. I put my small shopping in my bagpack and I was enjoying a stroll in the empty streets of Nairobi city.  I was deep in my thoughts walking towards the stage where I would take a matatu. As I was strolling and enjoying my solitude, I noticed a really posh car. The car seemed to be doing a stroll with me, honking and strolling. I wish my knowledge of cars was that good, I admit I lack in this,  otherwise, I would have given you a bette...

"I love you" A simple three letter sentence that I have noticed I struggle with. I have come to this realization because as my daughter is growing up, I am often overwhelmed by the feeling of love and I want to tell her  that I love her, but immediately I am about to whisper it to her, I break into song. "I love you, you love me we are a happy family with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you won't you say you love me too?" How African and conservative is that? When my husband sees me talking to someone several times he assumes I have become friends with that person. So, when we are talking and he happens to mention, I saw you have been friends with so and so? I am usually appalled and I get defensive, "Who, me? No, we are not friends, we say hi to each other and do small talk but we are not friends?" Let me bring home the connection, this shows I have some major trust issues. It takes forever for me to actually call someone my frie...

Are you as confrontational as I am? I am one of those people who tell the bare truth that to an extent it hurts. Dictionary definition of 'Confront' is Confront means either to face a situation that makes you uncomfortable, or to say something to someone about something they've done that bothers you. Rather than letting things go, when people are rude to you you should confront them. Confront derives from the Latin con- "with" and -front "front." Of late, I decided to take some break from the whole confontation thing. why? I cannot explain myself simply in a sentence without giving some incidences. There is this one day, sometime back I had a confrontation with one of my good friends. She is also a confrontation-kinda girl. We exchanged our thoughts and after that even if, we sort of made up, Our friendship has never ever been the same again. Matter of fact as i write this, we barely talk, but i believe if we were to meet, we would be cord...

Well, well, well, I am sure we have all had our share of forgiveness to receive and forgiveness to give. I am about to repeat this word forgiveness so many times so you better be ready to live with it. I have been going through this lesson of forgiveness the hard way; the experience way. I am not sure whether it is because my hurt levels have reduced because if you asked me, several years ago I didn't have people who hurt me and grudges that I held. So now, both of the memorable blows have come from people that I considered friends. Next thing, the issue revolved around money. The third thing you have to know about the whole of this story is that I love doing business, so whenever i hear an opportunity that will bring back money and a plus, i take full advantage of the opportunity. In one of the instances,  that's what happened. In the other instance, it was a saving opportunity. A group that involved, of course, friends, rather people who we had known each ot...

I have been going through a trying time. why? this trying time is as a result of SIN. yes, I sinned against God and apparently most people who knew about it took it personally. So, I had to go through the consequences of my actions; and I won't water it down, the consequences have been thorough, I still feel like i'm going through them. So, I go to God, repent, re-dedicate my life to Him, I go back on track. I thought eeeerrrmm still thinking it is over, was over, even before I asked it was over according to God's word, that I read and live by. Then, much much later, I ask a friend for a lift. Well, a new neighbor plus a friend I have known for sometime. Let me take you back a little, this friend is in a group of people that I owe money. He had texted me a few days before my lift request asking for the money. When I wanted to ask for the lift, I also put it across that the money is available and ready for disbursement.  Why am i saying the money issue? It ...

Something has happened to me today morning. For some it may be so cliche for others it may be new. I was walking to work, like I try and do every so often and met this mother and baby waking up by the road side. They looked like they  had  a good sleep, they woke up stretching same as I do when on my bed, and the mother, now awake started checking up on her baby, like i suppose all mothers do or would. I walked past them like all the other pedestrians that i was with.  I was not okay though. I was just thinking about them, and the way they look so content, with  the fact that God has given them life that morning, just like He did  me. I remembered i had some breakfast snacks in my handbag, purposely carried them to give them to someone; specifically,  this guy that I usually meet on my way to work, by the road side and I decided to be giving him something to eat, since everyone gives him coins. FYI ( I like being different). Anyway, I thought th...

We were created to experience the beauty, God's beauty, God manifest. Can you express how these photos make you feel?  If you gasp like I do, take a moment and check when was the last time you gasped? when was the last time you felt the way you feel when you look at these photos? I love nature, I love the way it makes me feel. I tend to just smile, I tend to think about how i will narrate this to someone else, and then i remember i do not have the words. I know it makes me silent, I know it touches me where i'm not usually touched by all the other things that go on around me.  There is so much more to life. Don't concentrate on the noise and the distraction. 

I thought it only gets better, sweeter, less thoughts, more products. The other day as i was seated in a shuttle on my way from Eldoret, I'm not sure what triggered this thought but i remember asking the person seated next to me, now a friend, whether there is someone who can stand and say, "aah! I have it all figured out now!" As i write this, my face is getting those creases that tend to form a smile because, a few blogs past i remember thinking and writing how i have gotten the formula and the key to life. :D :D :D Ok, now it is soo funny. But I insist, so there is the thought of destiny and purpose. two words that were almost always my prayers for so long, until one day I had to whisper to myself that God has ears and He has heard me and He must be in the process of answering me in my day to day life. (Pause for effect) . What caused this battle within? is waking up everyday and thinking that I do not know how to live. I used to actually have this feeling a...

Life has become a run. A run that doesn’t seem to have an end, unless of course you breathe your last. I am very intentional when it comes to things that make me stop, breathe and be present. Things that involve adrenaline, or mysterious happenstance like sunrise or sunset at the beach; or in the city, The moon and the stars, the breeze, the clear blue sky. It’s in moments like these, that those memories need to come alive; and encourage me that this cold morning shall come to pass  A warm hug from a friend this morning would do too, or a genuine smile from a stranger,A random blossomed flower, An mpesa message from someone who owes me money   , An unexpected public holiday LOL! Ok, i should stop now; there are so many things to be grateful about out here though. So, I thank God for friends who travel, that's how i have managed to feel like I was at the coast, just the other day!

The last time we checked my career status, it is totally different from what it is now. I sat down, went through an overhaul; ok i'm exaggerating, it is not that different but it has some personality now, I must add. Whoever said,  "it is paradoxical, yet true, to say, that the more we know, the more ignorant we become in the absolute sense, for it is only through enlightenment that we become conscious of our limitations. Precisely one of the most gratifying results of intellectual evolution is the continuous opening up of new and greater prospects." I know in my previous post i mentioned the life and the growth; Now as i write this, i just feel like we just  go round and round. The tip of one thing is the starting point of another, there is always something around the corner. (I have totally digressed). Back now to what I really wanted to write about.  As the days go by, a lot changes, some good, some bad, some hurt, some not so much; I have met ne...

Hey Reader, My name is Nekesa, My friends call me Nex and I am coming back to update a blog after eons. I may have changed tones, so my writing has changed of course; and maybe i stopped updating because I rarely vent nowadays; or maybe it took a more subtle route. So in matters catching up...I have had a LIFE. I don't know how life has been described in the dictionary but it should always be an  answer to a greeting. "hey, how have you been?" Answer "life" because trust me, life happens. I have had a loooot of life this while I was away and quiet. I have learnt a lot, I have grown, oh! I am so big (not physically) my person has grown big, my head not so big. Apparently when you  learn much,  your head tends to grow small, Because your perspective changes, you see things in a new light or from a new angle, You realize how wrong you were about right and how right you were about wrong or something in between. You realize that everyone has something going. Y...

Its at times like these when thoughts cannot seem to come to a resolution, actions don't match up with the words spoken and the will of the heart that we decide to just ramble out sentences and maybe when read later, anyone and everyone will try and make out what exactly was going on. There are things that happen as a result of our repressed thoughts and feelings in our hearts; for instance i may go on a shopping spree when i have decided deep down in my heart that i need to treat myself, yet i have not really given thought and budgeted on the cash at hand/wallet; its like a rebellious movement. That's exactly what just happened to me a day ago, so at the moment my thoughts, body and heart still haven't agreed so i still feel scattered all over the place; The body is happy, the thoughts/heart are like welll...?so is that it? is that why you made such a fuss? and it gennerally sucks to think of the future implications of the stupid short-term rebellious movement. You do un...

Is there anything like re-living a situation? coz i know i am, doing exactly that. i am re-living a situation in my mind, a situation i went through two years ago, but now i look at the situation as me, then, it was totally somebody else going through all that, being strong for everyone around, i used to feel the pain but not as much, i would never really be able to explain the calm and sense i got into me during the actual events happening; so point is, i am re-living the whole experience as if it was just yesterday, this time, i am in my own body and mind and it tends to get tricky, weird,..but i am hoping that after this that moment will come, that moment that depicts the change forever in someone's life, a different discourse is taken from then on coz of that moment, routines broken and new ones adapted, new habits formed, character moulding,and the like..Oh, i am looking forward to that BIG moment.i have a very strong hunch, a gut feeling, that after i relive this moment, that...

Nop, that is not the situation i am in, i am sure we would be glad to all put our claws in it; that's the name of a script that i was attempting to put together for it to be staged or screened, maybe; after this awesome, great great online rendevous that has been keeping me on toes, physically and mentally and spiritually. Sincerely, been a rough but good road, very beneficial, i have gained a lot, learned a lot and then fell back from the rendevous like i was falling from some fantasy world but literally and this time it hurt; Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know. ~William Saroyan: i had to copy paste that quote so that i can end this particular piece, apparently it is still very raw to be written with an objective perspective.   One thing i have come to appreciate though is the adversities we go through, the challenges we come by day by day, what matters is not how wrecked you are by the blo...

As i was walking home, tired after a hard day's work and mulling over the thoughts of an article i had just read about building a pipeline versus being a bucket carrier the rest of your life; i was whispering to myself how i want to build my pipeline, its about time i start building my pipeline... Thoughts of a man i respect and adore popped up; rather his image, his works, and the point at which he is in life crossed my mind; this man called my dad has raised me up from very humble beginnings, you could actually feel when all the resources have been stretched to the limit so that u go to school. This man dropped out of school so that he could take care of his mum whose mental health was not good, he went everywhere with his mum, took care of him until his mum left us(may her soul RIP) Right now, this guy is a Computer Aided design Manager in a company that he has worked for more than 2 decades, where he started as a dustman rather he used to clean the plastic plants set in off...

when someone asks you, 'how are you? the question that is most frequently asked when we meet in a new day, in the streets, in the office, even people who have lived under the same roof  should and do ask each other this question. More often than not, we answer without thinking. In English lessons in class we were taught that when you are asked, 'How are you-fine' is the answer; But are are we really fine? Personally, i answer this question differently, thanks to the many diverse ways of expression of the English language, or Swahili( the one we speak most), 'niko tu', niko salama', 'nakazana tu', 'niko poa taking a day at a time'. Note: i try as much as possible not to lie, and so when this question is asked to me, a flash of what i think is not right passes in my mind's eye and then i consider whether by telling this particular person, 'i am alive but...' then i take it back and as quickly as possible go, 'I'm fine and yo...

I have learnt a lot, since i went off on you; i have read a minefield; books, blogs, talked to people with sound advice, listened to very in sighting radio shows..but at the end of the day; i ask myself, do i just sit on my minefield of knowledge? maybe i want a platform to share what i have learnt; but doesn't that make me one of the voices that speak the truth to a multitude whose feedback upon action on the said word is not guaranteed? I feel like i hold the key to the questions that disturb humanity, and so does everybody else, i can't say I have read myself to the top of the world; but what i can assure you is that i have the infinite intelligence and power. The saying, "we are our own worst enemies' it is ever so true; how? i know everything i need to know rather i believe i know, but wait till i act on it, i move around with the answer in my pocket instead of removing the answer and using it to answer all my questions. It is like having a key; a master key i...

everyone of us thinks and actually knows that they have been through the best and worst of experiences and that is what has made them who they are this day... My mum( i thank God for her) has given me the basic principles that have guided me until this day 1. I was never allowed to eat at the neighbors house; my mum used to say, "What your mum has not given you is human waste." Her exact words; trust me when you are a kid this is super scary. 2. I would never go to my mum crying without a good reason, even if it was a good reason, you had to hold yourself, talk first and then burst into your tears; which wouldn't last long because she would give you reason to go quiet almost immediately 3. She would tell me time and time again to never ever compare myself to anyone when it comes to how other kids are dressed( she used to tailor-make our dresses in the house, seriously there was no way you could even start to compare.)  what they eat; because what she gives you is the ...

Are successful people at peace..rather do they have peace.? or let's put it this way,  what does success mean to you? I treasure my peace of mind much more than anything else. When i do anything, anything at all from eating, moving, breathing, business deal; if and when i have my peace of mind at the end of it all; i think i have succeeded in that which i was engaging myself in.. One of my 'successful' friends (i would like to call him that) asked me the other day, "is it that i made it too early?' he asked me this because he does not have his peace of mind; oh, he got lots of money, changed enough cars since i met him, he's been through a divorce and he's in my age set( i don't believe i'm old yet), he is involved in several business deals running nconcurrently and he is the director.(what could be the problem) You should see this guy when he does not have money, by this i mean he's been asked for almost 100,000 kenya shillings to replace h...